The Middle Day...

Yesterday was Good Friday

The day Jesus was crucified on the cross

The day He asked God to forgive us all

The day He broke the separation between us and God

The day that we become clean and pure and sinless as Jesus became dirty and covered in our sins

The day when the world experienced genuine unconditional love.

Back 2000+ years ago when this happened the following day was the Sabbath - so nothing should be done, all work stopped.   I cannot imagine people's thoughts did though.

I have never really thought about this 'middle day' before. I think a lot about Good Friday, and I go through a mixture of emotions of guilt for my sin, and joy knowing I'm free and loved and forgiven. Then you have Easter - Sunday - the day Jesus rose from the dead just as He promised - pure Hope! Evil didn't win, God used Jesus' crucifixion to save the world to bring freedom and He won.

But what about the 'middle day'?!

What would of people thought today? Guilt - for killing Jesus, for being a close friend and betraying Him? Pleasure? Confusion? Excitement or doubt about if Jesus would really rise from the dead like He said? Grief? Numb? Scared? So many possible emotions.

What would I have thought that day if I was there?
It's hard to really know, as I know the end of the story - I know that Jesus has victory...

"He has risen from the dead"

I sit here Thankful, so thankful for Jesus and His obedience to God. I am sitting here thankful, but with a twinge of guilt for knowing that I do not always try my best, that I get it wrong, that I am not always trying to be as Christ-like as I should....and I feel that with that I ignore the Cross sometimes - not on purpose, but I forget what Jesus has done, and what that means for me. I don't give it the significance 'it' deserves. My life doesn't always reflect the work of the cross - I don't feel I live in the freedom of its love, forgiveness, power, freedom. (I hope this all makes sense to everyone....it does it my head!)

So in this middle day I will remember and pray that everyday I will remember the amazing love that was shown for me on the cross through the horrific pain and death of Jesus. I will try and walk in the freedom that I have because of Jesus.

So many more thoughts...

Discipline

I don't know many people, if any, that look at the word discipline and think majorly happy thoughts.

This is not my favourite word...but something I really want to achieve in my life.

I want a more disciplined life.
Writing that sentence and then re-reading it, my first thought was 'that sounds boring'. Please don't get me wrong I do not want a boring life, and I don't think a disciplined one has to be. I am hoping that by being more disciplined in certain areas of my life....I will find more freedom and more time to live fully.

I feel over the last year God has been teaching me to be disciplined and trusted in the small...so I can grow and become disciplined and trusted in the bigger things. It reminds me of the passage in the Bible in the book of Matthew were Jesus shares the parable of when a master gives his slaves three different amounts and basically returns to see what they have done with it....
What had they done with what they were entrusted with?

Well for me my health is a big thing....I have struggled with my health a lot, and it leads me to thinking about how God tells us that Jesus dwells within us and we are a Temple (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
God has blessed me with this body....what am I doing to look after it? (so it goes back to the first passage I mentioned....you following my thinking?!)

So....back to my original point....discipline!

I want to be more disciplined with what God has given me...God has given me this body - what am I doing to look after it?! God has given me gifts and talents - How am I using them?

Well I was kicked up the butt majorly when I went to the opticians two weeks ago and asked if I had been wearing my glasses...I had not....well the consequence: having to get a new stronger prescription! That is not looking after my eyes - I have been blessed with the ability to see and I abused it.
Discipline One: Wear my glasses when I should.

I have never been the slimmest person....and well being over weight is not healthy - it doesn't honour God. I want to be in the best shape I can be, so I can do what He wants me to do.
Discipline Two: Eat healthy and exercise more

I have a lack of B12 in my system, which means I get tired quicker...so I have learnt that I sometimes need to say no to things, and make sure I have enough sleep, but I also should take supplements to help.
Discipline Three: Take B12 tablets and not burn the candle at both ends.

As a Christian I am always wanting to build my relationship with Jesus, to grow closer to Him, to learn more about Him and grow my Christ-like everyday, but that takes time, and taking time out of my life to worship Him, read my Bible, and spend time with Him.
Discipline Four: Take more time out to spend with Jesus, daily.

Ok....there are probably a million more things I should be disciplined with - but here are four that stick in my head. (I have a fifth one - but that will be temporary as it is about job hunting/application form filling....which I will do once I have finished this post!)

This post has been hard to write - its hard I think to be honest in areas were we fail or not as good as. I am hoping that being honest about it, and telling the world that it will encourage me to be more disciplined, knowing that it is a good thing, and it might not be easy and will be a struggle some days (especially to go running in this freezing weather!!)...but I want to do this.

I want to be a more disciplined person in my life...I don't want to live my life with a body that is never at its best, or procrastinating about doing things on my list of jobs, or wasting time instead of spending it with Jesus, or not using the gifts I have been given.

I will not waste the gift of life I have been entrusted with.

My Bucket List

Have you seen the movie 'The Bucket List'?

It is about how these two men are going to die and they write a list of the things they want to experience, see, achieve...well before they 'kick the bucket'...die.

I have never written one...but I have heard myself often say...I want to do this or that before I die.

I have spent the day looking at jobs, and I was about to get into bed and my head just became full of the realisation of where my life will go next, what will I achieve, what new things will I experience, what things will I learn - I have so many potential options for myself, I have so many desires, dreams and passions.

In one hand I want to settle down and get a 'normal' (mine will not be a 9-5 and it is most likely with young people so it certainly wont be dull!) job but in the other I want to go out into the world and hang out with street children and reflect the love of God to them while playing Uno!

I don't know how long I will live...sounds morbid right!? But its a reality to us all, and well however cheesy this sounds...I want my life to count, I don't want to waste it, I want to live my dreams.

So I have decided to write down some of the 'things' I would like to do in my life...

1. Hold a monkey
2. Do more teaching
3. Build a well in Africa
4. See/visit ALL the continents of the world, yes all seven!
5. Go to an ice hotel
6. Return to Brazil
7. Help someone reach their full potential in life
8. Get married and be a good wife
9. Be healthier and slim
10. Have my own children
11. Throw a dinner party
12. Run a marathon
13. See a miracle
14. Adopt a child
15. Learn to live in confidence of who I am in Christ
16. Have my own home and decorate it
17. Be fluent in a second language
18. See the 'natural wonders' of the world and marvel at the Creators creation
19. Read the Bible cover to cover (and understand it more!)
20. Ride an elephant and camel
21. Lead someone to know Jesus as their Saviour
22. Sleep under the stars for a night
23. Continue to study in some shape or form
24.

A list of some quite random things...A few times I nearly wrote things that are my dreams, but I had already done them - which is really exciting!! I am sure my list will grow (since writing this I have added three more already!!) ....so I finish this post with excitement for the future!

What is on your 'bucket list'??

Six months ago...

Six months ago I was on a plane flying back from Brazil.

I remember being so numb in some ways that day - not really registering that I was leaving Brazil, that I would not wake up at the Lighthouse the following morning, or see the people I have been living with. I didn't really sink in that I would be seeing my family in X number of hours, and meeting my niece for the first time. It was so real, yet I don't think I took much in, I feel I was on auto-pilot in some ways.

I do remembering reading the Gospel of Matthew on my flights, and getting excited by the life of Jesus and knowing that I was in His hands and He knew the plans for my life, even when I had no clue...

Six months ago my life changed a lot...

I write this post with sadness, that I have loved and then lost that love, something that once was is no longer...

I write this post with wounds in my heart, but knowing that they are healing. I look back with sadness (and tons of other emotions!) but not focused on the 'what ifs' or 'should haves'.

I thank God for my time in Brazil, and will continue to walk out losing in a way part of my life, I need to 'lay to rest' Brazil...and I guess with anything/anyone that you love and loose there will be times when it hurts, when you cry, when you miss things, when you occasional dwell on the past and wonder what it would be like now if you never lost....Isn't that part of the grieving process?!

But I don't want to just focus on what happened six months ago.

I want to Thank God for what has happen in the past six months...

Thank you for my family and meeting and getting to know my niece Bella
Thank you for my Church and my extended family
Thank you for my time in Brazil and the experiences I had
Thank you that I have been able to share with others about the work you are doing in peoples lives there
Thank you for teaching me more of who you are
Thank you for this period of rest and recovery
Thank you for my improved health
Thank you for your abundant provision
Thank you that you love me regardless where I am in the world or what I am doing
Thank you for my friends and meeting up with people

Thank you in advance for the next six months....who knows where You will lead me...

Things I like...

Recently I have had lots of time to relax and do different things and I have been visiting people that I met in Brazil but live in the UK. It has been a crazy busy time - but also really relaxing at the same time!

During this time I have done things I enjoy...hanging out with friends, playing games, making cards and being creative, seeing new things, hanging out with my niece. 

I found in the past that I hated the question - what do you do to relax, or things that you enjoy doing? I found it hard to answer - but it is such a simple question right!? 

I never really have a 'hobby' as such, or just one particular thing I really enjoy doing....but reflecting over the last 3 weeks I have done plenty of things I like to do! I am certainly going to try and continue them too...I am even going to try and learn some new things - but that will be a whole other blog post when I actually get round to starting them!! 

Here are some pictures of what I have been up to...

Rachel and I at Giants Causeway - real fun time. Got to do some road tripping too which I love! 

Creating things....I am going through a phase of wanting to do Origami and I am also scrap booking my time in Brazil - so lots of creativity in my life at the moment! I suppose under this section I would add that I am enjoying cooking - actually making meals or dishes from scratch, definitely going to be doing more of that in the future! 

Games! I love playing games....this is one of my favourites (it is called Ticket to Ride - and I completed said it was rubbish before I ever played this game...I just saw the trains and thought how could a game about building tracks be good!!) and I played it lots in Brazil - Thank you Ward family for introducing it to me. I got to play this game when I visited them too in my weeks of adventures :0) 

Looking after my niece Bella - I love it! I would say more but I am going to be doing a blog post on her soon as its her first birthday this Thursday!! 

I finish this post with a glad heart - a joy, feeling so blessed and thankful for my life. I have had a really awesome time finding joy, fun and love in my life. I hope this will encourage you to step out from the stresses (for me finding a job!) of your life, and connect with friends, family and do something that you enjoy...and if you don't know what you would find fun - try lots of new things!! 

Just after publishing the last post about understanding and basically handing my over the control to God and to trust on His understanding and plan for my life...this song came on - thought it was a real good one to mark this step of surrendering to God....so thought everyone should hear it too!

Here are some of the lyrics that really stand out to me...

"There is no place that I would rather be, than here at Your feet, laying down everything...

All to you I surrender. Everything, every part of me"

Understanding...

In my life I feel I search for understanding in things - I want to make sense of situations, events, choices, peoples words or responses, I strive to find logic in things that just don't make sense in my head.

Why did that happen the way they did?
Why did the person say that or do that?
How is that possible to achieve this?

Why, What, How, When, Where, Why?

At the moment for me...my life makes NO sense!  I don't really understand the path I am walking. I don't understand my body and how some days its great and I don't feel tired, and others well I fight to stay awake (but this is becoming less and less - YAY!) I don't understand fully what steps to take next, or what I am fully capable of, I don't know if I should take a part time job to see how I do or just go for it and look for a full time job, I don't know what job to do, I don't know if/when I will go back to Brazil.

Everything for me at the moment seems unknown. I don't have understanding of my situation - and I guess by having understanding you have some level of control over your life.

In my head I am craving understanding, and for things to make sense.

Well God wants to teach me something else...

Some friends of mine saw a job and thought of me...
It's a youth worker position in a Church, 3 hours from my home, Full time

This was going against everything I thought was logical for my life - my understanding of what would be best for me...It would be getting fully involved in ministry again, it's far from family, friends my home, and its full time work - for me I was thinking a job not in Christian ministry straight away, staying at home to save money but also have that comfort of being home too, and well part time work to see how I do, as I have not worked for a while.

I prayed about it.

I got verse 5 in Proverbs 3...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding"

I have had that verse SO often....I was like I know God - I need to trust you. But when I thought about it more - the focus needed to be on the second part of the verse  - 'do not depend on your own understanding'.... I was seeking for logical, what I thought was right, I was trying to live and direct my life by what I understood....

So now... I am trying to not understand everything, to find reason or logic, because well I don't think God fits into those boxes....and I don't think our lives should if we have Christ at the centre directing them. I want to live a full life, and with my understanding I think it would be limited (especially compared to Gods!)

So I am stepping out of my boxes of 'I know what's best for my life' and 'Everything needs to make sense' and "I need to understand it' to trust God and trust Him and not depend on my understanding...

I am excited to see where this adventure will take me!