Steps forward....and then backwards

This week I feel I have taken big steps forward...I actively started looking for jobs, both paid and voluntary - so back on the mission field with YWAM. I have found it hard in many ways. I feel in a way like a little baby - exploring the world for the first time on foot....a little fearful to maybe let go of the helping hand or finger but so wanting to get out there and run, but not quite sure where, how or what to do first...

Firstly - I have no clue what I want to do, I want to do so many different things, do I go on the route of continuing to work with children, and in what type of setting, or do I use my degree and do some type of youth work. Do I want to be part of a Christian organisation or not. Do I want to stay in the UK or not...so many questions and ideas, so many different things to think about!

Secondly - Deep inside I feel so scared to make these steps forward. I don't want to make the wrong choice. There are so many questions and thoughts going around my head, it is hard to make a decision.

But I know I don't want to live my life in fear and worry - thats not living with God at my side. I also don't want to be stuck in this 'place' where I am now...I need to move forward, I need to continue to grow and learn and experience life, whatever it may look like...

I was filling in an application form, that made me excited...it helped me move forward to a future. Maybe it was the thought of moving out (I am a real dependant person, and am currently house sitting and loving have a place of my mine - even if it is for a week!) I liked the idea of a new experience, something a bit different, learning and having a job, and being able to potentially to create a savings account, towards my future. But my application form got deleted - and well the deadline is tomorrow, and it is not even possible to attempt to re-do the form....the end of that.

I feel sad, like my future was taken away again....I want to step forward and well I feel I have stepped back, to the wonder of what am I meant to be doing, will I ever get a job, is this what God wants for me - what does He want me to do?! But I also need to remember my life has not been taken from me, it is just turning out different from what I thought! [clearly still processing everything from Brazil, and yeah it does still hurt - but this post is not about Brazil!]

SO many thoughts in my head...but I am going to look at it positively and continue to make steps forward, even if they are small. There are other jobs, opportunities and plenty of time to do all the things I would love to do (hopefully!)....So I am going to make baby steps in my life and not worry - as that doesn't help anyone!