should have...what if?

Right now in my head I am living in a world of ‘what if’ and ‘should have’

Today is especially hard in some ways – today ‘should of’ been the day I arrived home from Brazil after being there for the past 16 months.  It ‘should have’ been the first time I met my niece. It should have been an exciting time, not masked with stress and ill-health. It should have been a lot of things, but it was not.  Coming home should have been a time to see family, friends, supporters and to re-charge ready to go back on the mission field in Brazil. February 22^nd 2012 will be another should of day, as it would have been when I was returning to Brazil.

Over the last couple of months I have not really been able to shake from my head…what I would have been doing in Brazil if I was still there; or what everyone else is doing.  Not very easy or a good thing to live your life in one place, but your heart and thoughts in another. 

The biggest thing though is ‘what if’… I am replaying my life and thinking about all the things, I should of, maybe, tried harder, done differently, not done at all to not be where I am now – not in Brazil serving God. What comes along with the ‘what if’ and ‘should have’ for me is shame, guilt, failure, frustration, lack of understanding, living in the past, wanting answers and clarity, not happy with the current, questioning where God is in it all, not being able to move forward and accept, negativity, sadness…..basically nothing really positive, nothing helping me live my life fullest in Christ.

My life feels stagnant….it has stopped and it is starting to stink!

I know I am responsible for my thoughts, actions, words….it is my fault that I have allowed myself to reach this point in my life. I have reacted this way to my situation. I know I am responsible and the only one that can stop my thought pattern, stop my life being stagnant …but right now I am finding that hard.

I feel I am stuck, so caught in this world, I don’t know how to move on, I don’t want just ignore the million questions and thoughts in my head.

I know I cannot change the past

But I need (want) to know answers.

I want to find meaning, purpose in the situation

I need to deal with the emotions I have.

I need to deal with the past and Brazil and put a full stop after it all.

I need to live in the present, and not focus on what should have been.

….I have a long way to go…